Let’s talk about setting boundaries for the people you love
It’s safe to assume that, in observing the tapestry of society’s behavior and events, we have little tolerance for ambiguity. Everything is viewed as a zero-sum game, and the space for grey areas or nuance in our lives is shrinking. We increasingly subscribe to the overly simplistic approach of “either/or” – where we try to force everything, situation, or person into either a good or bad bucket.
We now have little to no tolerance for the naturally occurring complexities of life that force us to think critically, and give us the chance to express the parts that make us uniquely human. Remember cancel culture? It might have fizzled out in pop culture, but it’s seeped into our everyday lives.
But deny it as we may: grey areas do exist, two things can be true, ambiguities are part of life, some questions don’t have answers, some answers don’t have questions yet.
And sometimes—no matter how many Hollywood movies show otherwise,— SOMETIMES, there’s no bad guy.
Why am I going on about ambiguities and bad guys? Because I want to discuss one of these complex, often painful areas of life that more often than not, exist in the grey: Boundaries. More specifically, the art of setting boundaries for the ones you love.
Setting boundaries for the people who have done nothing to hurt you, setting boundaries for the ones who need tough love but also deserve your soft love, setting boundaries when there’s no “bad guy”, just a need—your need—for growth.
An aspect in the widely covered “boundary setting” discourse that is not addressed enough is how confusing and unnerving it can be to set boundaries in good relationships. Freeing yourself from the talons of toxic relationships can be hard, but there is often a clarity in the kind of boundary you need to set (it’s finding the courage to do it that is hard).
However, setting boundaries in our happy and healthy relationships can seem like an unnecessary disruption of something that was otherwise going good. The situations or relationships where you are not in danger; no one has wronged you, but alas!, you still need to establish boundaries. Setting boundaries with people who genuinely have your best interests at heart. Breaking free from situations that are not dangerous and might even be comfortable – too comfortable.
The person on the other side of the boundary could have a visceral reaction. They can initially misunderstand your motivation and feel attacked or betrayed. They could ask: Did I do something wrong? Am I the bad guy? Or they could take offense and label you the ‘bad guy’, which can be a uniquely painful experience in itself.
These people who you love and you know love you, are now looking at you with genuine sadness and asking:
“I thought you were happy?”,
And you have to say:
“
Yes I am happy, but my growth calls for a change.
I have to break free from our co-dependency that works, but is keeping me small.
I have to leave this job that gives me stability, but is keeping me from my full potential.
I have to set boundaries with my parents, who have done nothing but support me, but their vision for me is different from my vision for myself.
I have to stop spending time with this friend because even though they make me laugh, I need to spend that time doing something else now.
I have to delete my social media because even though I’ll miss out on my friends and family lives, I need the discipline.
Setting these kinds of boundaries can be really difficult. They can also be the hardest to recognize because everything seems ok. But you have an unease because you’re ok, but you’re not great. And your greatness is calling.
When we talk about setting boundaries, it’s often that we see it through the lens of the battle between right and wrong. We are defending our territory and reclaiming our time. And anything or anyone standing in the way of that, well, a lot of discourse on the topic says they are toxic and selfish.
And so when you need to set a boundary with someone who is neither toxic nor selfish (which is the majority of the people in our lives- hopefully), instead of recognizing the ambiguity of the task ahead, we tie ourselves into a knot trying to place them in one of the two very dichotomized roles of good for me or bad for me.
And then, if you’re a people pleaser, you’d probably make yourself the bad guy in this scenario. Could this be why you struggle with setting and upholding boundaries, because you think (no, you believe!!) that doing so makes you a bad, selfish person?
But setting boundaries is about taking back the parts of ourselves that we have neglected so we can fit in or be accepted. The time we have spent serving others at the expense of serving ourselves. The habits of making ourselves small because we think that’s the only way we would be accepted or loved. It’s not always about calling out people who have wronged you or used you. It’s choosing yourself by setting a higher standard for yourself.
Blowback. Pushback. Consequences. Change.
We don’t sufficiently address the heartbreak, loneliness, isolation, loss of support system, or loss of identity that boundary setting can lead to. It’s always “hooray, you did it, you’re empowered, you learned to say no, put yourself first, and you’ll be better for it”. But no one talks about what comes next.
The initial loneliness you feel when you’ve cut off the friend group you’ve outgrown. You will probably miss them. And you’re allowed to. Perhaps you’re suffering from mild Stockholm Syndrome, but you feel that loss nonetheless. And your feelings are valid. You stood up for yourself for the first time with your parents, and now, post-fight, post-shouting match, you feel sad and depressed and maybe even sorry for how you acted. Because you still love them.
You’ll be more equipped to deal with heartbreak, confusion, and isolation that comes after, if you acknowledge it and prepare beforehand. A denial of this fact is why many people fall back into old patterns. Just because we often discuss setting boundaries as a binary action doesnt mean it always is. In fact, I argue that it rarely is.
When you sever ties or seek to change the dynamic of a relationship to align with your growth, the pushback is a complex thing to navigate, especially from loved ones. When it’s with key members of your community or village, be it a friend, a family member, or a job, it could come with consequences.
You do it anyway for the greater good for your life, but it can be a steep hill to climb. It is often scary, and can come with real costs—emotional, psychological, monetary, and otherwise. And it can hurt like hell.
How to Deal with Post-Boundary-Setting Blowback and Heartbreak
Things get worse before they get better. People in your life may respond to you choosing yourself with anger, confusion, protest, or resistance. For people who hold important positions in your life, this can be a very painful process to be on the receiving end of these reactions. It’s like you’re making all this effort to improve your life, but your actions seem to be blowing up your life. You start to doubt yourself and might even want to retract or give in and allow things to remain the way they were. Don’t.
Eventually, the people who matter will adjust, and the people who don’t allow you to grow won’t matter. The keyword here is eventually. Do not cast people into roles based on their initial reaction. Do not cancel them. Give the people you love a chance to adapt to the new reality of your relationship with them. After all, you too, are on a growth journey. This doesn’t mean stay or continue to put yourself in an environment or dynamic that’s bad for you (I trust you to be able to tell the difference).
It means in your heart, hold out space for your community and the ones you love to adjust. Because eventually the people who truly care will see and love you for who you’re becoming and won’t seek to revert you to your old ways that kept you small.
Quote: “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
This article was originally published on my Substack— Wandering, Not Lost.
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